On Diving with Sharks

"They are flesh eating but not man killers"
Shark expert David Nicholson on black tipped sharks

ON DIVING WITH SHARKS
I've been a bit slack with sending out these emails. The last one, on Laos should have been sent out over a month ago. Since then I've been through four more countries: Thailand, Malaysia, Singapore and the UAE. Which all may seem a bit extravagant, but it was actually the cheapest way to fly back to UK.

* * *

I spent three weeks travelling through Thailand. The north, in particular, Chang Mai was beautiful. I then went to an island in the south and started working on a tsunami relief centre there for a week. Given that the tsunami occurred nearly a year ago, all the essential things have all been provided, but there are still problems with debris still lying around, and there not being enough tourists. I'm not under any illusions about the amount of help I was providing, but I just thought it would be more fun than just lying on a beach.

I had a great time there, and there is such an amazing atmosphere, everyone is so friendly and laid back. The sunsets are beautiful here, and the whole island is too. One beach that was relatively unharmed was the one filmed in the Leonardo DiCaprio film "The Beach", and it was stunning. I've not had much opportunity to sit around unfortunately.

And one morning, before work, we went shark diving. They are black tip sharks - completely different from Great Whites in terms of their behaviour and feeding patterns - they never attack humans - but almost identical in looks. I got to swim within a couple of metres of one. It was great.

* * *

I spent a further week travelling through Malaysia and Singapore. In Malaysia I spent a while in Petronas Towers - the worlds second largest building. There's a huge entertainment complex there, and lots of really random exhibits like a giant dancing dinosaur. And the signs they have here are written in English, but with really bizarre syntax. One sign read: "These seats are reserved for the elderly. AREN'T WE SO VERY NICE AND COURTEOUS?!" I've copied that sign exactly as it was written.

In Malacca, a town in the south, I was chased by wild dogs and ended up tripping over and grazing my hands pretty badly.

* * *

I then passed into Singapore, which is so incredibly expensive I could barely afford to do anything. Its nearly as expensive as England. Singapore is so completely different from the rest of SE Asia. If you cut out London, filled it with Chinese people that all speak English, and put in the Indian Ocean, you'd have a fair approximation of Singapore. Its also really efficient and spotlessly clean. Their subway system is easily one of the best in the world, and the harbourside is beautiful.

* * *

Now finally, the United Arab Emirates. After a 7 hour flight I landed in Dubai, where I am currently. I guess its hardly rocket science to point out that a desert is hot, but it is really hot here. The heat surrounds you, the light blinds you, and you really feel like you are in an oven the whole time. Theres also some slightly bizarre points I've noticed. For example, as it is the holy month of Ramadan, no restaurants will serve food. But the restaurants are still open, and fully staffed, they just won't serve you any food.

I'm travelling at the moment with a Swiss guy called Fabian, and we went to a water park yesterday which was incredible. They have the fastest water slide in the world here, and the whole park is amazing. This whole city is like an Islamic Las Vegas; neon everywhere, giant theme parks, and medieval treatment of women.

Anyway, I'm flying back to the UK tomorrow evening.

All the best,

Mike

The Route

Whitewater in Laos

"Foolish to the point of insanity" Assistant Secretary of Defense Paul Warnke on US Stratergy in Indochina



WHITEWATER IN LAOS

After I came back from whitewater rafting, I had forgotten how physically draining the whole thing is. Imagine being on a rowing machine for seven hours. You basically can't stop rowing the oars at all all day, and I felt a little big like a slave on a Roman galley. Having said that, it is pretty spectacular, and very exciting. The rapids weren't as big as they are on the upper portions of the Nile, but they're still amazing, with huge waves several feet high.

I went back the following day to try the same thing in a kayak, and that was much more extreme, particularly when we crashed into a bed of bushes, and the boat capsized.

* * *

Laos is a tiny laid back hippy of a country. It seems to be dimly aware that countries exist outside Indochina, but isn't too fussed about them. No one seems to worry about anything. Their national museum is particularly trippy with a giant Pepsi can and a builder's hard hat ending the section on Laotian history.

* * *

I met a genuine Vietnam War Veteran the other day, along with his much younger Laotian wife.

"Did you know," the Vet asked me, his eyes slightly wild, but his voice proud "that we killed more people in Laos than the whole of the Asian Tsunami? Just in this one country! And yet no one back home even seems to have heard of Laos! They don't even know its a country!"

He laughed about this, and I really wasn't sure of what to make of the whole situation. I wonder what his wife thought about it all.

* * *

Anyway, I have left Laos, and arrived in Thailand now. The North and the South are both incredibly beautiful, although the capital Bangkok seems to be a bit more like a destination for drunken package tourists. And my wallet was stolen there, which didn't really help my opinion of the place.


Currently I am volunteering on a project on Ko Phi Phi , an island in the south. Its bloody hard work, but the island is beautiful, and the people here are great.


Hope all is well in the UK.


Michael

Laos: Money Trouble

"Money, the root of all evil...but the cure for all sadness." -Mike Gill

LAOS: MONEY TROUBLE

Well I've arrived safe and well in Laos, with a bank account full of money - but no money in cash, and no way to access it.

The ticket I bought to get to Laos from Cambodia ended up costing more and more. As I left Cambodia I checked and double checked that the ticket included all necessary charges. I also checked that there were ATMs where I was going.

Of course the travel agent turned out to be lying. As I left the country, I had to pay a departure tax, and an exit tax (How are these different?), and when I arrived I had to pay an arrival tax and pay for a Visa. I was told several times that the cost of the Visa was included in the ticket. All lies. I was basically crying as I got into the country at the cost of it all - one weeks budget on one bloody journey.

And of course, despite repeated assurances to the contrary there are no ATMs here at all. Its like being in a 3rd world country. Oh, no wait a minute.

I have to say I'm pretty angry about the whole thing. I've spent eight hours going round every bank in this city (the second largest in the country, and a UN World Heritage site) and apparently no one can help me.
I know for a fact that money can be transferred in the capital, and as I have here my passport and card, I said that even if the banks here won't accept my card, then couldn't they just fax a copy of my passport and card number, along with confirmation that I match the photo, and the card matches my passport, and transfer the money that way? Apparently not. And I really have tried at every bank, asking to speak to the manager and generally creating a bit of a scene.

I kept stressing that there must be some way to get money to me, and I wasn't just going to live here and die of starvation out here, and that money would come eventually so they might as well try to help me.

The most annoying thing is that absolutely no one gives a shit about it out here. I keep saying that if they help me transfer money then I'm willing to give them some money as a thank you.
The whole thing is ridiculous. Take the one time I tried to ring a bank in the capital that would accept my card. I was told to do this at the bank, although they don't know the number. "Its not possible. We don't know the number" they told me, immediately after telling me to ring them.

"Well, surely you must be able to find out the number, somehow", I pleaded. I just couldn't believe that no equivalent to Directory Inquiries or the Yellow Pages existed. Apparently not. Although the National Telecom Information building is only half an hour down the road, so I hopped on a motorbike and went there. It turns out, (after a long wait), that they can only tell you certain phone numbers - ie those of Laos owned businesses. A business in Laos that is owned by a Thai businessman - such as the Thai bank in the Laos capital - they won't have the number for. Even though it is in Laos, and even though they are Laos National Telecom Information organization. Its just an absolute joke.

* * *

Eventually of course I managed to get some money from the bank - after two days of trying. The bank employees really don't have a clue about anything. They gave me a "Money to be received" form, in which I put all the details in. All well and good, except that half of the form is for me, and the other half says quite clearly "For Bank staff only". And it was written in both English and Laos. One of the sections in the "For Bank staff only" said: "Could the customer answer the security question correctly? Yes/No". I pointed out to the staff that this is clearly for them to ask me, not the other way round. I mean I'm hardly going to tick the No box and say that I'm not the person I claim to be. I

In Laos of course, it would be too complicated to have a currency that actually makes any sense. The largest note you can get is worth less than seventy pence in English money, and they don't have many of these "large notes". So most of the notes they gave me were the equivalent of 7p, or 0.7p, so I basically ended up with huge bundles of cash. So big in fact that I literally couldn't carry them in my hands, and I had to ask for a bag.

So they gave me a black bin liner.

It really is a bit silly. I mean, even taking into account the fact that things are cheaper here than in England, having such small notes just doesn't make any sense, and you see people wandering round with huge bundles of cash, paying thousand upon thousand of Kip to buy something really trivial like a banana.

Into the forgotten kingdom

"Please do not bring explosives into the temple"
Sign outside temple at Angor Wat

INTO THE FORGOTTEN KINGDOM
Angkor Wat is stunning, and any description makes you overdose on superlatives. It's difficult to get a sense of scale of this complex of temples. Its bigger than the Vatican, bigger than the Taj Mahal - in fact it is the worlds largest religious building. I started by walking round, then, realising my mistake, hired a bicycle
as otherwise it would have taken weeks to get around. There are huge stone sculptures of heads and faces.

The flora and fauna are pretty incredible as well. There is everything from elephants and monkeys down to butterflies - including, somewhat bizarrely, a herd of geese. Trees puncture through some of the stonework, and vines droop down. Bald Buddhist monks in bright orange flowing robes stroll around. It really is an
awe-inspiring sight, and what with the heat and humidity the whole experience is overwhelming.


* * * *

The other side to this area of Cambodia is the landmines. This really is a genuine problem decades after the last armed conflict here. Even now, landmines kill between 800 and 2000 people a year, just in this one tiny country. How often is that on the news? It really just isn't right that kids should be wandering round without arms or legs because of actions taken a quarter of a century ago.

I have also visited the killing fields, although I don't really want to dwell on the subject. I'm still slightly shocked that Pol Pot lived his entire life a free man, and died of old age in 1998. His conduct was clearly criminal, and he has rightly been described as the architect of one of the worst events of the 20th century. (It is perhaps worth bearing in mind however, that the US military killed at least twice as many people as Pol Pot did in SE Asia). It wasn't until the Vietnamese
invaded that the Khmer Rouge's tyranny was brought to an end.

Anyway, I'm headed off to Laos. Finally, one place that managed to escape the ravages of the Vietnam War. Sort of.

Chocolate River to the Killing Fields

I've just taken a boat up the Mekong River (as in Apocalypse Now), and the one thing you really notice is the colour of the river. Because of the silt, all the water is a rich chocolate brown - it really does look like chocolate, not muddy water - and you half expect an Oompa Loompa to arrive.

* * *

Before I reached Cambodia, and the Killing fields I had to snake my way down through Vietnam. I saw a pretty spectacular light festival in Hoi An. I've been to nine UN World Heitage sites in the last few weeks now.

Also went paragliding; on a parachute connected to a speedboat. The speedboat whizzed around a bay and I went flying off into the air. I went up about half a dozen stories into the air, and the view was pretty good.

I managed to slice into my leg again this week (anyone would think I'm into self harm or something) when I got rather too close to a motorbike. Not uncommon around here. Vietnam is notorious for traffic accidents and the whole country is a giant traffic accident waiting to happen. I've seen five road deaths in the short time I've been here. You can't really get away from the war here, although the tour guides, perhaps surprisingly, try to avoid talking about it all costs, so as not to avoid any Americans. It occupies the same sort of feeling in the popular consciousness as does the Second World War in Britain.

I'm trying to avoid being that caricature Giles Wembley-Hogg. To that end I've read nearly a dozen books now on Vietnamese history, mainly by American authors I should add. Its well known that the Vietnamese won the war and lost the peace, and the fact that so many - over a million - Vietnamese left their country after 1975 is testament to which country is preferable to actually live in. I'm not going to dwell on the humanitarian aspects of the war, suffice to say one side was punished pretty badly. What really interests me is the justification given for the Vietnam War, and the backing the US gave to the South Vietnamese military junta. The US argued it was all for freedom and democracy. Err ... except there were massive protests in the South about their lack of freedoms. Notoriously, Buddhist monks burned themselves to death in protest at the harsh treatment they were receiving from the US-backed regime. Not too free then. Was it democratic though? Err...no. In fact Eisenhower wrote in his memoirs, that not only was the regime in the south undemocratic, but he had not met anyone who thought that Ho Chi Minh would lose an election. Which blows the argument that the war was for democracy out of the water, as it acknowledges that not only were the people the US were supporting not democratically elected, it also points out that they were fighting against the very person who would win a democratic election. Whoops!

The idea that South Vietnam was democratic was a fantasy that no one really believed, and in reality it was a succession of generals who managed to gain power by force. One of the generals the US was backing stated he was a great admirer of Hitler, and that four or five Hitlers would do a good job of sorting out the country. Hmmm.

Maybe I'm going out on a limb here, but perhaps the US could have chosen a better person as leader than someone who admires Adolf Hitler.

Vietnam: A Dong Millionaire

Simply Perfection. What? Do you expect more?"
Genuine advertising slogan of a Chinese camera company

VIETNAM: A DONG MILLIONAIRE

Well, I've finally left the authoritarian, rigidly controlled country that is modern day communist China ... and entered the authoritarian, rigidly controlled country that is modern Vietnam.

On the plus side I am officially a millionaire here - although as a million Dong is around thirty four pounds, I'm unlikely to buy a Rolls Royce or a penthouse apartment just yet. Having said that, it is possible to get round very cheaply. The combined cost of my transport - all flights, taxis, subway journeys, trains, buses from London, to Estonia, across Siberia, China and now into Vietnam - is still under two hundred and eighty pounds. Which has the symbolic importance of being the same amount as I used to spend commuting to work in London every month.

* * *

Having said goodbye now to Lucy, Amy, Tim and Simon I'm supposedly travelling on my own, while they're back off to the UK. In practice I'm hardly left alone. China is incredibly ethnically homogenous, and anyone who isn't ethnically Chinese sticks out like a sore thumb. I haven't been mobbed like a film star - as I was while in Africa - but I certainly have a large number of people asking for my photo. And when I'm on trains, people crowd around and ask me questions and watch over me. At times it can be a bit wearing, but on the whole it’s quite fun. Yesterday a taxi driver offered to take me out to dinner, although I politely declined.

* * *

Northern Vietnam is beautiful, and the landscape is very similar to Rwanda. It is quite mountainous, and has the biggest mountain in Indo China- Mount Fansipan. I attempted to climb up Mount Fansipan but it was absolutely pissing it down with rain and none of the local guides thought it was safe.

* * *

I also decided to go to Cat Ba island. We went trekking on the second day, and the views were beautiful but it was bloody hard work, and the guide - who could only say 'Yes', 'No', 'Hello' and 'Go' in English - wasn't much help. I can't really describe how dangerous the route was, and I didn't feel safe. A few hours in I tripped and cut a gash in my leg. I carried on for another hour or so, and after the third peak, I ended up collapsing.

Luckily the guide was on hand - his medical care consisted of pointing at my leg and saying 'Hello' – as this was pretty much all he could say. An argument then broke out between Jean-Pierre, (the Belgian bloke I had been travelling with) and the guide, as the guide said we had to go, while Jean-Pierre suggested we wait for a while. To his credit Jean-Pierre won the argument, and overall we did have a great time on the island, (although the fact that the boat on the way back was infested with both cockroaches and rats did temper my enthusiasm somewhat)

* * *

Oh, and yesterday was the 60th anniversary of the independence of Vietnam from colonial rule. Ho Chi Minh gave a speech on the new constitution which resulted in the applause of all present – including the Americans there, who of course had helped him write the constitution. Ho Chi Minh was famously given diplomatic, economic and military support by the US as he was officially a goody at this time, (much like Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein were in the 70’s and 80’s). Until the late 1940s when the domino theory started to gain currency, and, without actually changing any of his views, Ho Chi Minh went from being a "goody" to being a baddy".

Nowadays, as with China, the country is rigidly authoritarian, although Communist in name only. It is entering the world market in many goods, and hopes to accede to the WTO. This will supposedly bring huge benefits. One of the local papers showed a case study of a local businessman who was an "icon of an emerging economy". The line of the press here is that opening up markets will bring unparalleled prosperity to the country. However, rarely has a newspaper chosen such an unintentionally ironic metaphor. The businessman was a shoe shiner, cleaning the boots of foreigners. The government is sure that greater trade liberalization and abandoning socialist principles will benefit the country, but I strongly suspect Vietnam as a nation may end up like the shoe shiner.

Anyway, I’m off to Nha Trang.

Michael

China: On Climbing a mountain

"Err ... it sure is a great wall"

President Nixon displaying his flair for rhetoric on a state visit to the Great Wall of China, 1972

CHINA: ON CLIMBING A MOUNTAIN

Having exhausted most of the possibilities in Beijing, I decided to set myself a bit of a challenge, and climb up a mountain. (I was going to tell you the story of Lucy and myself on a rickshaw but I think I'll save it till I get back).

Tai Shan, is pretty tiny as mountains go - at 1545 metres it's only around 20% of the height of Mount Everest. Nevertheless, it was quite exciting going up. The ascent was reasonably straightforward, although it did get a little bit gruelling at times.

The mountain periodically gets eveloped by mist. At one point I was looking down at the lights of the nearby town, which is about 5 kilometres away, and mist started swirling around and within thirty seconds I couldn't see a bloody thing - visibility became less than 100 metres. I pressed on and reached the mountain plateau.

I kept going onto the summit, and finally reached it at about 10.30 on the 29th. What was rather galling is that there is a small stone temple there, so not only has it clearly been done several times before, but by people carrying heavy stones.

It wasn't until this point that I realised how stupid I had been, as I had to begin the descent in darkness. And I can tell you it was pretty scary.

* * * *



I must also mention in passing one of the more bizarre products I have seen advertised here. The film Titanic is hugely popular in China, and they have developed an inflatable water slide based on it.

I wonder what exactly they were thinking? And how exactly will they advertise it?

"Hey kids! Remember the scene in Titanic where the ship breaks in half? The passengers slide screaming into the icy waters for their inevitable slow drowning. Well, why not relive the fun and excitement with your very own Titanic water slide!"

I must stress this is a genuine product.

Anyway, all the best

Michael

China: Exit the Dragon

"Welcome splendid Forbidden City! After come enjoy our dainty snacks. Or it may become sinister."

Slightly threatening advert for a cafe


CHINA: EXIT THE DRAGON

Well, I've finally finished teaching now. I may have been doing it for only a few weeks, but as I didn't have weekends off, and had a long working day with only one class, I have had well over a hundred hours in the classroom. One hundred hours is more than many classes in the UK get in a year with a given teacher, so I feel I know my pupils pretty well.

The kids gave the premiere of their play (written entirely by them, and directed by me) which they decided to call "People and Animals are Good Friends". I thought their script was great - really inventive. Two students go to the zoo, and meet all the animals there who they befriend. The best line comes from the tiger:

"I'm a tiger. Ra!. I eat all kinds of animals ... but only because I am very hungry, and I only eat very little ones. And normally I am kind and nice to all animals"

The logic does become a little contorted at times as they try to show their central premise that all animals are good. It ended with the tiger's birthday party, and all the pupils sang happy birthday, while the tiger growled in time to the music.

They performed their play in front of the school, and then I was presented with an award for being the best teacher as they said I was "simultaneously the strictest and kindest" teacher. Really not sure how to take that, particularly given I've done little with the school authorities but argue with them.

When I said goodbye to the kids, most of them were more than happy to go back to their holidays. But I was surprised how upset a few of them got when they said bye to me. I guess they are only eleven, and it must be a big change for them.

All the best,

Michael

PS Am slightly worried about tomorrow. School took us out to dinner at a very exclusive restaurant with a high party official, among others. The high official took an interest in what we were doing, and has asked to have our passports shown to the police tomorrow 'for our protection'. Given that we are technically working illegally - the school told us to get tourist visas not working visas - I'm a little concerned.

PPS Malcolm asks: "Is there a prologue to the play: 'We Chinese love all animals, especially endangered species whose body parts we normally use as aphrodisiacs'?"

China: Way of the Dragon

"I sailed down the river, and killed five hundred niggers"

Inappropriate song lyrics from the school textbook, which I'm supposed to teach the kids

CHINA: WAY OF THE DRAGON
I have had a strong word with the headmistress about the lyrics of one of the songs in our textbooks, which I said was entirely inapproprate, particularly for children. I also threatened to walk out, but didn't in the end.

The kids are great, and its good to work with them. They are talking in a foreign language all of their working day, and still work really hard. They have to put on a play for the closing ceremony, and they've written and learnt all the words, which really impressed me. They've translated them directly from the Chinese, so one of their suggestions was "Snow queen and the seven little people."

I went to visit Tiananmen Square the other evening (a bit of a trek as I'm out in the suburbs here). It is of course full of people flying kites, and people wandering round - it's the biggest square in the world. Mao's face looms over you as you wander round, as it does everywhere.

I still find it slightly shocking that Mao Zedong is treated with such reverence. The official Chinese version of events over the 'Great Leap Forward' seems to be this:

"Well, Mao is responsible for the deaths of 2 million people. But we all make mistakes. And he does have a nice smile".

Nowhere in Germany or Russia would you see Hitler or Stalin treated in anywhere near the same way, and I know they are very different situations but the comparison is still valid. I should note in passing that those imprisoned in the Tianneman Square protests are still in jail, 16 years. Clearly freedom of speech and democracy are dangerous ideas which should be beaten out of people.

Anyway, I must say that whatever qualms I have about the government, the teaching is going well.

I'm getting into the swing of things now with my class. I'm really enjoying teaching, and I get on very well with the group. As I'm the oldest teacher I've been given the most able group, and they are an absolute joy to teach.

Hope all is well in the UK,

Mike

PS Have a heard a few things about the Chatham House controversy, but not of course through the media or the internet as everything is censored.

Entering the Dragon - Into China

"Remember; the penalty for importing pornography into China is ... death."

Friendly advice from the headmistress of the school I'm teaching at in China

ENTERING THE DRAGON - INTO CHINA

Well, I've now crossed over the Gobi desert and arrived in China. Not sure if this email will get past the rather strict filtering they seem to impose here. I wrote an short piece on my blog criticising the Chinese government, and now every single entry on it has been deleted. So I'm afraid the story about Mongolian nightclubbing will have to wait for another day.

I've already started teaching, and have been doing so for the last few days. My class is very good, and quite obediant - very keen to learn. The other guys Tim, Lucy and Amy have been great. And my chinese teacher, Marie - who sits in the classroom with me - is a really good laugh and the same age as me, so we get on very well.

It is however, quite physically demanding. My working day begins in the classroom at 8.40am and ends at 9.00pm. After this I have to prepare lessons, and they race through the material I give them so I don't finish working till nearly midnight. Temperatures here have been ranging from 28 to 44 degrees centegrade over the last few days. I do have two hourlong breaks during the day, but my room and my classroom are each on the fourth floor on seperate buildings, so I have to ascend 24 flights of stairs every day.

I'm working at one of the best schools in the country, and when these kids grow up they are likely to be at quite senior positions in the government. I'm conscious that by many economic forecasts China will be the world's leading economic power in 25 years or so, so when these kids are adults in their prime they will be leading lights in one of the most powerful nations on earth.

But the kids are good to work with. I've been entertaining them with card tricks, which they seem to love. I was teaching them the "Okie Kokie" today, which ended in fits of laughter.

Anyway, thanks for all the emails - news stories are great as all the main broadcasters are blocked.

All the best

Mike

Outer Mongolia

"Yak Polo - a world first"

Genuine front page headline of local newspaper.

Being in Outer Mongolia is seen as a byword for being in the middle of nowhere. But in the mid thirteenth century, Mongolia was the biggest empire in the world. In fact the Mongolian empire was actually the largest that has every existed. Its, founder Genghis Khan (also known as Chinggis Khan) was listed by Washington Post as “the most important man of the last thousand years”

Most of the books I’ve read about Genghis Khan try to paint him as a great sage and noble leader. But really, that’s a load of rubbish. He might have been a great military leader but that’s because he made no bones about killing anyone who he disliked or he disrespected. His legal code was simultaneously surreally arbitrary and unforgiving brutal. For example there was actually a law against “hurting a horses’ eye”. Not only that, but the punishment was death

Nevertheless, he did found a mighty empire, which at one point, covered the whole of Russia, all of China, Mongolia, and swept west all the way into parts of Europe, and whole swathes of the Arab world including Baghdad.

Genghis Khan was hardly an enlightened new man. In one famous story, he asked his junior officers what they thought was man’s greatest pleasure. “Seeing a bird fly in spring” they replied. “No!” shouted Genghis, “it is to defeat your enemy, seize his possessions, and then take his women folk…” He goes on in some detail about what should be done next, but I think it does not bear repetition.

Genghis Khan is given god-like status by some of the inhabitants today. Indeed there is a sect that today worships at the cemetery of his body. Historical accuracy is not a strong point of this cemetery. The tomb was built in the 1970s - Khan died in 1227 - and doesn’t contain his remains at all, but of all things, a jar with a piece of Camel’s hair in it.

What exactly were they thinking?

‘Oh well, we meant to put the body of Genghis Khan, our god-like leader here, but we got mixed up and put a piece of Camel’s hair there instead. Whoops.’

Genghis Khan’s biggest contribution to today’s world was probably from his fiery loins. He regarded women as part of the spoils of war and fathered hundred’s of children. Indeed an article in the American Journal of human genetics concluded that 16 million men were direct descendents of Genghis Khan. Chris Tyler Smith at Oxford’s Department of Biochemistry said in a report at the time: “At first it seemed like a joke, but as we accumulated more data .. this seemed to be the best explanation.”

Stranded in Russia

"If you are in needing of assisting, the border officials will be happy to give you hell" [sic]

Genuine quote from Russian border form

STRANDED IN RUSSIA

Perhaps I should have paid more attention to the British Government's official advice on travel to Russia which is:
"the FCO advises against all travel [including essential travel]" to Russia

Perhaps I should have just got a flight to China, instead of trying to go there overland.

Anyway, it now appears I'm stuck here in Russia.

* * * *

It started really well. I wandered round St Petersberg, got to know an American backpacker called Robyn quite well. She was from Phoenix, Arizona, and was quite fun to be around. She seemed quite keen for me to come to some festival they have up there in September, and offered to put me up, but I think Arizona is a bit far really. Anyway, we wandered around Moscow, and took in Red Square and the Kremlin.

* * *

But, I have run into a bit of a problem. Basically, the point of this mad dash across Asia is to get from one job in London, to another in Beijing. And I have exactly 2 weeks to do it.

Despite having booked a train ticket in advance - in writing - I'm now told that my reservation is no longer valid.

And the next train isn't for a week.

And my visa expires in 4 days.

So I'll be on the run from the visa police. No, really. (How many other countries have visa police?)

And I'll miss the first week of teaching in China, which is the entire point of this journey. Nice.

I pleaded with the train authorities in St Petersburg, but they were adament that the train was full. And the tour agent refuses to acknowledge my reservation. Great.

So I'm stranded in a country where I barely speak the language, in the middle of nowhere, missing out on the teaching which is the whole point of this journey.

But I will try to get there. Somehow. I just have to get there.

Mike


Postscript

I wrote the above whilst still in Russia, and I didn't get a chance to send it. In the end I did manage to get on the train I was planning to - despite the best efforts of my travel agent, Andrei. Andrei seemed determined that I would not get on the train, and seemed to lack basic business sense - I did tell him at one point that I would pay any price. I had to go to the central ticket office and book the ticket in a different language and a different alphabet, and despite telling me earlier it was fully booked, there were now seats available.

There are four train stations in the vicinity of the one I needed to get, and I managed to go to all of them sequentially before finally getting to the right one, in the driving rain.

I was so pleased after all the trouble I had getting there, I could have kissed the ground.

(I didn't though, obviously. I mean, I'm not the tourism minister for Estonia)

Estonia

"Welcoming you tourists to Estonia! I have been thinking my whole life about you. I hope to bring you many pleasure."
Estonian Junior Tourism Minister

ESTONIA

One of my favourite stories about the country is a famous football match between Scotland and Estonia. For some reason, the Estonian team refused to turn up
at last minute, and the only team on the pitch, Scotland was declared winner by default.

The hundreds of assembled Scottish fans partied all night long. In fact several dozen of them never came home, and set up residence in Estonia.


I have to say, I wasn’t overwhelmed by sources of information about the country. My lonely planet guide to Europe somehow manages to spend a chapter on Morocco – which of course isn’t even in Europe – and then forgets to mention Estonia at all. The Royal Institute’s library has only one book about Estonia. And even that book, called simply Estonia, spends as much time discussing - of all things – astronomy and water pumps (!) as it did Estonia.

Estonia is a tiny nation – a population smaller than that of Wales – indeed, more people commute to London every day than live in Estonia. I was expecting it to be a bit crap to be brutally honest, with grey concrete blocks left over from the Soviet
period. But I couldn't have been more wrong. It really is great, metropolitan, very scandinavian, not at all like any of the rough parts of East Berlin or Prague.
There are book shops everywhere, on every street corner, so perhaps its not surprising that it is the most literate nation on earth according to the UN.

It is a shame that the place is let down by the frankly shoddy tourist informations. One leaflet I was given had an introduction for some junior minister for
tourism, and I will quote part of it directly:

"Welcoming you tourists to Estonia! I have been thinking my whole life about you. I hope to bring you many pleasure."

Read through that quote again, and then try to convince yourself that the minister for tourism is not incredibly sinister.


Anyway, next stop: Russia